The Day Off.

Ah.

ah.

Relaxed and ready to return to the wars. The challenge. The job.

Champagne Cocktails helped. Casseroles help. (Food for the week.)

Armed and ready.

The last push.

And Yet...

And yet... Each new experience brings us closer to perfection. Striving for it, working towards it, never quite reaching it, but coming quite close. Maybe it is good to never be quite satisfied. We strive and we learn. We rest and we live to fight another day. We wake up and recognize a new day, with renewed hope and vision.

Didn't you think it was all flawless?

I don't. I didn't.

You know what? I just don't.

Maybe there is a bit of wisdom, and some may call this too meticulous. I just don't. Some comments don't help. Some days we just need to let it lie. Walk away. Let us all move on to the next day. It is not cowardice; it is feeling that some problems are better resolved later. Later, like Tuesday. Let us all take a day off and consider, and do some laundry, and pick out something really special for the ones who have earned an opening night present. Yeah. Moving forward through the week.

I like that. Another milestone reached. Moving Forward. (Great advice for everyone. Let us all just move forward.)

And here I am, moving forward.

Words.

I think, when things go well, it is often because we have paid attention, worked hard, followed a plan and trusted our instincts. This may be too much of a generalization. Some people come down with strange diseases or chronic conditions they played no part in contracting. Some people are devastated by wildfires, tornadoes, hurricanes, tsunamis, earthquakes, mudslides, and the plethora of other natural disasters. But, on a day to day, moment to moment basis, I feel that we can in fact take some control over our own lives. This is so satisfying and often has the intended result; this is a good day.

I miss my people. I miss sharing all these wondrous moments with them.. (with him.)

With all the media we have today,

We keep in touch in varietal ways,

So, it's okay, it's okay. I say

Move on to the next chapter.

He'll come in bringing laughter.

Our happily ever after.

The compromise accepted

The loneliness corrected

Perhaps a shaft erected (ha!)

And all becomes well

In the days we all dwell

After moments in hell...

We heal.

(Sorry, I've been doing Rostand, and he rhymes everything!)

A poem using homophones.

(not a rhyme):

Will Will marry Mary?

Will Mary marry Will?

Will will marry Mary.

Mary will marry Will.

I love words, and caps and how meaning can change.

PS: I already miss you Michael. Wish it didn't have to end this way. You were too weird and too wonderful. Peace.

Let Your Mind Go...

Quiet. Hm. Sometimes all we need is a little time to be quiet. Don't think. I say "zen it all", but my mom used to say "you already know how to be quiet, you learned to pray." What is the difference between saying 10 "Hail Mary's" and "Om ne oh ho ringae kiyo" ? They are both just litanies designed to clear our minds. My mom said "You don't need to learn how to meditate. You already know how." I think, Catholics who were taught to pray, do know this. I don't believe anymore, but I will use those very particular chants to clear my head. Or to sleep, or to grieve. hm.

Maybe it is in the repetition. The rote. Maybe it is in how easy this is and how calm it makes one feel. There is a kind of freedom in letting your mind go. (And the body will follow.)

If you get that reference, well, then, you know me.

Making It Look Easy, (and a non sequitur)

I shared a picture featuring one of my directors in the audience while I sat behind him at my tech table. I described the picture thus: "There I am, in the background, facilitating the process." This is a true statement and may be the best way I can describe stage managing. My job is to make everyone else's job easier and to create an environment where others can do the work.

Oddly, the process of facilitating is anything but easy. It is as much about charm as it is about organization. It is about adapting and changing. It is about problem-solving and quick thinking. It is about listening, really listening to one's company members, and responding. One has to find joy in it all, or the job is impossible to do. No... I should say... impossible to do well. Or, perhaps more personally, without joy I find the work tedious and impossible.

Most of the time, I wake up excited for the day ahead. Sometimes, I can't wait and go in early just to chat with my fellows or to just sit in the empty theatre. Sometimes, I'd rather be sleeping. This time, I wake up early and walk to work. It gives me the time to reflect and get ready for the day. This job is, in many ways, a "head" thing. Many days I beat everyone else to work. (Annoys my assistants, who are coming at their call-times and earlier. "Oh, you are already here!?" This cracks me up.) Other days, I stroll in a little late, confident my assistants are there, covering and problem-solving. I love being a bit mercurial. Keeps my people on their toes! And all of this works. It works.

My opinion. My experience. (Yours may vary.)

Not sure I like twitter. Not sure I need it. Appreciate its applications. But.. Time, as it does, will tell.

Rest is Good

I know why I watch so much mindless television. I don't have to think or engage. If someone calls I can turn the tv off and not feel imposed upon. It passes the time. It allows my brain to sleep. (God knows my brain is active most of the night. My dreams. Another blog.) Sometimes I say it is because it helps me in my business. That one is a bit of prevarication. (Though, I do take the time to watch and appreciate my colleagues.) In the end, it is all these things, but, I think the ultimate reason may be that it is too hard to read anymore. I say this as someone who used to read 3 books a week, working or not. I'd stay up all night finishing a novel. My free time was spent at the bookstore. But with allergies (drippy eyes) and age, trifocals in my glasses, it is difficult to relax with a book. Relaxing is not about "difficult", after all. So, I watch too much mindlessness. I may or may not learn something. It is certainly not something I'm proud of. But, I am not sure I care. The endless thinking ceases for a time, and my brain gets a little rest. Rest is good.

Late night thoughts

Some people you just love. And they can do no wrong. Some people make your world and work easier. I love those people.

Thanks...for a great show. Thanks for being part of my crew. Thanks for coming back again to work with me.

m.

Dad-O

I have a pimple on my lip that is caused by my headset. My left ear feels funny when I take my headset off. My tech table was too close to my seat during the first act tonight, so I had to perch, with the butt-board angled. I accidentally turned off the electrician and missed a cue. (The director said later, "did we miss a cue there?") I was dead asleep at 6:55pm, but still got to work by 7:15pm, and was calling a show 55 minutes later. Wow.

And yet... the director was so happy with the performance that he gave the actors notes after the photo call and gave us the afternoon off. Wow. Unheard of! Especially in Rep! Whatever will I do with myself? Oh, I know! The Dishes! Maybe I'll wash the sheets and the towels. Maybe I'll cook something to last me the last 2 days of the week. Wow.

My little world.

A friend of mine posted this on facebook:

Passing this on: " If anyone is on Twitter, set your location to Tehran and your time zone to GMT +3.30. Security forces are hunting for bloggers using location/timezone searches. The more people at this location, the more of a logjam it creates for forces trying to shut Iranians' access to the internet down. Cut & paste & pass it on."

Makes me want to get on Twitter.

I am worried about Iran. I don't really know what else to say about that. We will see how the events unfold. I think we may be about to witness something profound and historic.

I look at my hands and they look like my mother's. I look at the wrinkles forming around my mouth and they are my mother's wrinkles. There is something about that that is actually comforting. I look in the mirror and I see Her. I am finding I don't mind it as much as I thought I would. I wear some of her clothes from time to time. I am always complimented on her choice. As I get older, I miss her again. I miss her more and more. Mom.

I miss my Dad-O too. I should just shut up and call him. Don't know why I call him Dad-O. Didn't really realize I had been calling him that since childhood, until he started signing notes to me "Dad-O" I asked him, "why Dad-O?" he said...."that is what you call me." So I have been responding to him with a weird spelling of my nickname, that he, in fact coined. It works for us. "Maire." Better I guess than "Mare." It is more elegant on the page.

The Journey

Some things go very very well. Some things, not so much. Sometimes one's personal life doesn't exactly take a back seat to career, but is given less time in the day. This is highly unfortunate. And the least desirable.

My personal relationships are very important to me. My husband gets the very few extra minutes I have each day, and my other relationships seem to dissolve. I try to answer the odd email, but in my business, friends and family understand and don't write or call... They don't want to bother me. Hey! It is not a bother! I love the odd message now and again, especially if one doesn't mind getting no response for a week... or two.

You may say, "How hard is it to pick up the phone?"

Well. A recap of my day... This is today, mind you, and not the longest day I've had.

3am - Went to Bed...finally. Tough day. (Would have loved to call you, but, it is SO late.)

9:30am - Woke up, had to go back to sleep. Dreamed the President of Iran was assassinated. Weird.

10:00am - Woke up for good. Checked e-mail. Did a little online work, ate breakfast while I did the work. (If I'd called you now, I would have never eaten breakfast.)

10:15am - Called my husband.

10:30am - Jumped in the shower

11:00am - Went to work.... what happened there is another post.. or just check the rehearsal schedule.

5:00pm - Came back to the apartment, ate dinner, tried to take a nap. Unsuccessful. (Guess I could of tried to call then, but I was exhausted and in no shape to "chat".)

6:30pm - Went back to work (..busy)

8:00pm - Called a Show

10:40pm - Ended the Show.

10:43pm - Tech Notes in the House

11:00pm - Notes with the Director and Lighting Designer

12:30am - Drove the Director to his car

1:00am - Arrived back at the apartment. (Too late to call you, though I wanted to talk then!)

This was a gloriously short day, for this point in the process. The journey, we sometimes call it. Yeah, that works. The journey.

I am on a journey... and it takes the time it takes. I will be back. But when I have returned, I may, in fact, not need this blog until the next journey begins.

Look What The Demon Brought

Climate Change. Whoa. Maybe the planet has simply been doing what George Carlin said she's been doing all along. The Earth just wanted some plastic. So, she let us evolve and we made plastic. She is now The Earth plus Plastic. She doesn't need us anymore.

There is a part of me that really likes this reasoning. It is, in a way comforting. "No doubt, the universe is unfolding as it should..." It just may not be unfolding to your liking. Yes, Virginia, life is not fair.

We were trying to remember the seven deadly sins the other day. We finally gave up and looked it up on Google. Everyone of us in this coffee klatch missed "lust." What does that say about us?

Surprisingly, the virtues came a little easier. Women's names: Faith, Hope, Charity, Chastity and Prudence. I think those are the names of the witches on Charmed. (Yes, I like a little trashy television more often than I like to admit. It is so mindless and therefore restful. Cash Cab is good too.)

I wanted to talk about Iran. This revolution/uprising is very interesting, scary and may ultimately change the playing field out there in the wide world. The United States has never understood the Arab world, and needs to make an effort. These are not uneducated primitive people. They are of "The Cradle of Civilization." They live in the modern world. This country seems to think Arabs all live in tents in some peripatetic life... nomads, riding camels. Well, that is just plain prejudice. It is clear to me that the education in Iran has been phenomenal. TWO of my doctors went to Tehran University for their MD. One of them is chief of staff at a major hospital in The Valley. These are people much like us, just oppressed like many of us have felt, either historically or personally. Every Iranian I've met in the U.S. has said to me, "freedom of speech... it is everything." Well, the oppressed populace of Iran seems to be demanding that right, right now. It is a glorious and frightening thing to witness. I wish them luck and determination and fortitude facing the days to come. These "crowds" are collectively risking their own lives to make their world a better place. Such courage. Whatever the outcome, this display of anger and action is just oh, so good. (I fear for them, each and every one. I remember Tiananmen Square. I shudder.)

World events can be inspiring. The news may not be good, but it can allow us to take a new look at what we are doing and how we are living, and maybe, let us appreciate our isolated world a little bit better.

I had a very successful day today in Illiria. I will go to bed worried about my planet, and my species, but happy with our momentary accomplishments.

It is all I can do tonight. We'll see about mañana.

The Leap

There is something so satisfying about a task done well.  When all the elements under one's purview come together and the last piece of the puzzle is added and somehow, it all works.  The standing ovation doesn't hurt either.

We come together, with passion for the art.  We pour our hearts into the same vessel, and sometimes, sometimes the result is glorious.  And in that moment of creation, of near completion, nothing else matters.  We live for the art.  We live for the recognition of the art. We live for the appreciation, but we do it for ourselves.  Sometimes, we just do it for ourselves. 

It doesn't matter what the project is.  The process and the doing is all.  This is true each time we come together and bleed a little.  (Sometimes more than we thought we could afford, but almost always worth the journey.)

I don't need a reward for taking this leap with all these people, these artists, but it is oh so nice to get that first standing ovation.

Slippage!

I was walking through The Park next to a very steep ravine today when I came across 4 peewee children with the older brother clearly in charge. (He looked about 8.) One of his (sisters?) said, "Oh, I want to slide down there!  I have to!" He said "NO" just like an adult, and added, "You don't know about slippage." Okay, I was impressed. It did look like fun to slide down the ravine. It was certainly dangerous. But, I don't know if I would have phrased it quite so succinctly. The sister took him at his word and the little group skipped on about their day. This was a moment so charming and smart that it gave me pause. I had to tell the first person I saw. (Luckily it was someone I knew.) We shared a laugh and an appreciation born from people without children, for children. A little joyous moment.

I have another friend and colleague who, when asked why a piece of moving scenery wasn't working said..."It's the geometry of the weather." Okay, we were annoyed at the time, because it was oh so helpful! My assistant and I still tease him, we but the phrase has become part of our lexicon. It makes us laugh every time. (His other phrase is "civil twilight."  We don't know what that means, but, when he wanted to take it off his paperwork  because we joked about it, we make him keep it. He swears it is a real thing. I believe him, we just think it is funny.)

I got mildly frustrated today and heard myself say "Jeez-oh-man!" This immediately made me laugh as it is something my husband used to say years ago. And that reminds me that my mother would never say "bullshit" (until later in life), she always said "broomsticks!"  As in:

"No, mom, I don't have any dishes under my bed."  "Broomsticks!  You do too! Please, take them to the kitchen."  (Her favorite word was "cellar door", uh, Mom?  That's two words... )

I have a button that says "Eat, Drink, and be Fat and Drunk." My friend Tom would appreciate that one.

A few years ago, I asked my students "What is the response to "Whasup?" Apparently the response is "Whasup?" Okay... simple enough.  Still makes me laugh.

Language has power. It has power to move us, to change us, and sometimes it has the power to make us laugh (and to bring us a little joy.)   

And... Isn't it ultimately all about perception?

I have to say, I got a little angry today.  Don't think I really want to talk about the specifics of it.  

Some anger is born out of frustration, and it is the frustration that needs to be controlled. The best example I can think of  is "road-rage." Truly born out of the frustration that we can't get through traffic because that other driver is So Dumb!  He almost hit me!  One doesn't always have to stop first to make a right turn!  She cut me off!  And on and on that story goes.  I don't have a problem with "road-rage."  I zen the road.  Oh, I may witness extraordinarily stupid driving, but I slow down or speed up or swerve, consider myself lucky and go about my business.  Some people get angry waiting in line.  (Doesn't grandma know you can use a check card instead of a check?  He has 13 items!  I'm late and she is counting out pennies!)  Yeah. Doesn't really bother me.  (I do worry about the woman counting out pennies.  I think, "what if that is all she has?")  

I am angry at the stupidity and waste in government.  I am angry that so many people don't share the same basic human rights I (seem to) have.  I am angry about agism. I am angry about all the "-isms."   Life isn't fair.  We have to battle these things.  We have to be constantly conscientious. But, all that is born out of true surprise and outrage.  I should be angry about these things. These are big things that require action. They are intolerable and unacceptable... But not necessarily born out of frustration.  They are more about right and wrong.

Perhaps what I am talking about is ego.  Perhaps some anger is born out of embarrassment. Especially embarrassment not of one's own making, yet landing squarely in one's lap.  The responsible thing is to move forward with the task at hand.  Yes, that is what I do.  (Well, sometimes I get a bit loud.)  But the frustration gnaws and can turn into a fury that one may not have about politics, or...  Perhaps (politics) are less personal.  It is the personal affront; the personal in the moment dissing.  Or the perception of dissing.  Hmm.  Perception.  Maybe that is what this is about.  The perception of Disrespect.  

I may perceive some slight as intentional, when it is not.  I may perceive some action or mistake as lack of attention or poor work habits, I may perceive a comment to be too personal. Leads to that same frustration I was talking about earlier.  And so leads to anger.  My perception may not be reality.  And yet...  If things in life are not how we perceive them to be, then what are they?

Just trying to get my head around this and away from my anger.  I realize, in a calmer state of mind, that what sometimes makes me angry is just a collection of missteps and miscommunication.  Solvable problems.  For tomorrow.  So, (she says to herself) be calm. 

I've learned to walk away with the anger and come back tomorrow.  Solve the problem when the ego and frustration and anger have had time to dissipate.  To approach the cause of the initial frustration (anger) calmly, with some distance and dispassion. 

And that is what I will do.

      

Subjective Time

Here I am.  I was wondering.  

Long frigging day.  The days are getting longer now.  It is a problem for outdoor lighting designers.  They need our compassion.

I look back at all the work I've done and I look ahead to all the work I've yet to do, and realize, there is nothing for it but to live in the moment.  I don't mean that I ignore the past.  I look back and remember what I've learned and apply it to the here and now. Obversely, I don't mean that I don't anticipate the problems of tomorrow, I do.  I simply deal with the moment at hand. It needs my attention right now.  Funny that.

I've been thinking about the friends I've misplaced, or who have misplaced me.  I wonder about them.  Are they okay?  What is going on in their lives?  Have they found a way to reach their dreams?  I got a quick note from one of them on facebook.  It was so nice to hear a kind word, and so lovely to know he'd been thinking of me.  We can get lost, if we really want to.  Even in this very "connected" world.  We can resign our facebook, myspace accounts.  We can close down our blogs.  We can stop carrying our phones with us every single place we go.  Some think that will enable us to be better connected.  More.. personalized.  I don't know about that.  I love the people who have found me on facebook.  Long lost loves.  Long lost friends. Our collective lives have become so busy, nature of the beast, I suppose, and these tools enable me to easily contact the someone who randomly appeared in a dream last night.  I think... no, I believe it is good.  Time will tell us all.

Wednesday.  Wow.  Time is speeding up.  I have often thought that we should have clocks that tell subjective time.  You remember how long those final 5 minutes of school lasted.. an eternity.  Some days each minute feels like an hour. There are those days when one looks at one's watch every minute.  And yet, some days fly.  Subjective time.  (I've discovered that sometimes it is just because my watch has stopped.)

And yet...  

Paying Attention

Tomorrow (today, after I sleep) I will want to walk.  The activity is really about pleasure, and has become a kind of hobby.  I stroll.  I think deep thoughts.  I look and I see.  I pick a direction and walk half the time I want to spend walking and then, turn around and try to find a new way home.  I have learned much about several cities this way.  Three in particular.  I prefer to walk alone. When I pass by an interesting shop window, I can stop, or go in.  I can decide I need some french fries or a haircut without discussion.  Mmmm, french fries.  I would like some right now, please.

I don't like public transportation.  I have and will use it, but I got stuck once on the subway in NY.  I was with my best friend and we were on our way to watch "court in session" downtown. The train stopped between stations.  Over the loud speaker we heard "Conductor!  conductor!

...AHHH!"  Shortly thereafter the train lurched, went dark for a few minutes, then, the lights came on and we got on to the next station.  My best friend and I leapt off the train and headed above ground.  We didn't look back.  We never found out what happened.  We decided then and there we had enough money to take taxis.   (Later we got kicked out of court for laughing... which we thought was HI-larious ... another story.)  I have ridden the subway since, but cautiously.  In NY in particular, I'd rather walk!  I was there recently for a couple of weeks off and on.  I took the subway once when it was raining (I'm from California .. we don't understand rain) and once when I was running late.  It took the same amount of time that it would have had I walked.

Years ago, I lived on the East Side of town.  (Not the Upper East Side, more like the Mid East Side near 1st and 42nd Street. Tudor City if you know New York.)  It took me 30 minutes to get to Broadway (where I was working at the time.)  It took me 30 minutes whether I walked, took a bus, took a taxi or hopped on the Grand Central shuttle to Time's Square.  It just didn't matter.  Oh, once it did take me nearly an hour.  It was the day after the ice storm.  The trees were encased in glass! Astounding.  I had to stop and stare.  I'd never seen that before, wow.

Once around Christmas I was walking past the UN Building on 1st... literally across the street from my apt. building.  I couldn't help but notice box after box, constructions really, of homeless people creating shelter.  My heart broke.  I remember investigating soup kitchens, but decided I needed to do something more...I don't know, human.  I got some amount of money in one dollar bills (don't remember how much) and stuck a dollar in every box, every sleeping bag, every construct.  Some of the homeless just looked at me, surprised.  Some smiled, some said, "God bless you."  Some looked a little confused and bleary-eyed.  Some were asleep.  There were so many!  This was Christmas 1993.  Gosh, I hope it is better now.  There is where I'd like to see some of my tax dollars spent.  Helping those poor people get on their feet. 

There is a phrase, "There, but for the grace of God, go I."  I believe that we make choices in our lives that put us where we are.  If one is relatively healthy, one needs to take responsibility for those choices.  My compassion is fairly vast, but it does have limits.  I know we sent a lot of mentally ill or extremely handicapped people to the streets with budget cuts.  I know we sent veterans to the street too.  My tax dollars!  Spend them there!  However, I am not naive.  I know there are people out there taking advantage of the system.  I see them all the time.  But, the truly needy people suffer because of these indigents!  We have a huge problem in this country.  We classify people too much.  We assign labels and treat each individual as if he/she was part of some conspiracy to steal our money.  The truth is some people NEED help.  They are people.  I don't think dogs should die in the street, but, these PEOPLE shouldn't die in the street like dogs.  

Oh, the places my mind is visiting tonight.  I moved back to California.  At least my homeless people aren't freezing 4 months each year.  

I am going to listen to a little music and go to bed.  The Lakers won!  Federer did it this morning!   Marcia won her Tony!   I'm trying to pay attention.

  

There is another world out there.

Another successful day behind me.  My director is happy, my designers are happy, my wardrobe supervisor is resigned but looked like she was smiling, um, earlier. My cast is tired but willing, and my fantastic crew seems to be okay with it all.  I don't have to go to bed worrying about tomorrow.  I have the best staff I've ever had.  They are not only creative thoughtful self-motivated individuals, they are cheery and bring a kind of joy with them to work. This is a hard process and I am so grateful to them.  My First Assistant and I are still waiting for the other shoe to drop.  (She has become very superstitious.)

After a day of noise it is very pleasant to come to my apartment (not my home) and be quiet. Charlie keeps wanting me to have a drink with him.  He told me he is always up this late, but no.

I'm not ready yet.  I need the solitude and the thoughts.  We'll do the bistro later.  There is plenty of time.  This is my rhythm.  I am in the "I have to protect myself" mode.  

Can't believe it is Sunday.  Can't believe another week went by.  I need to slow down and savor every moment.  This experience doesn't in fact last forever.  And, weird as I am, I LOVE this part of my job.  I am in tech, and it is my moment to shine.  I will revel for 2 minutes.

Okay.  Done with that.  Now, what is happening out there in the "real" world?

What is the value of a lizard's life...

I broke a nail today, saving a lizard.  The cost of compassion.  He was struggling in a fountain, no way to get up the slippery sides.  My colleagues ran for a leaf or some thing to extend to him, and I said, "oh, please..." and knelt down and scooped him up.  I put him on a rock in the sun.  Hope he is okay, but frankly, I stopped worrying about him the moment he was out of the water.

We go forward.  When I use "we" I am referring to my colleagues, my friends really, who are part of the creation of Legitimate Theatre.  (The title is not my pretention, it is what it is, so-named internally.  Every discipline has a language all its own.)  The dictionary says pretention is not a word.  Hmm.  I don't agree.  And if I am wrong, I think it should be a word!  (Hey, Shakespeare made up words.  No, he did.  We use some of them today.  The weird spelling of "rhyme.")

Off topic again.  Ah, well...What was the topic?

You may not know this, but "we" call all people who are not involved in theatre "civilians." Think we stole that from .. somewhere. Ya think?

So, the lizard.  It was a common garden lizard.  They are all over the place.  Some of them are not very bright, even by lizard standards.  Yet, they have great value, and we do share the planet with them.  Well, then, if a lizard is worth a broken fingernail, what then is the value of a cat?  (I've seen them kill and eat lizards, and I would risk much more for a cat.)  Then, what is the value of what I believe to be another sentient species, the dolphin?  Well... more than a random cat.  Okay... not your cat.  I would risk a lot for a pet, a companion.  I did say random cat.  And besides, cats can take care of themselves.  If you don't believe it read Kipling's "The Cat That Walked By Himself."  (or to move to another species... "Jonathan Livingston Seagull".)

Okay.  You got me.  I love animals.  But, I have to say, given the choice between my pet and a random child, I will chose the child every time.  I will choose the adult every time.  I say I am a humanist, but what I really am is a specie-est.  I think it may be in the DNA.  There is a point.

People are important to us because we are people.  We want homo-sapiens to survive.  Our DNA demands it.  (Even though we make lousy decisions sometimes..)  People talk about getting back to nature.  We are nature.  There is nothing else for it.  We are part of this world, created out of this world, protectors and desecrators..  again the dichotomy ... fouling our own home ... but it is us.  So we need to wake up.  And.. protect ourselves.  And move forward.

The "world" would be perfectly happy without us.  I am sure the dolphins would agree. (Oh, some of the dolphins would miss us from time to time..)

So, it behooves us (my students love that word, they always think it is so funny) to... oh!  You know.   Conserve, be smart.  JFK started a program years ago.  "Keep America Beautiful".  I say let's keep the world beautiful.  It is our birthright.  Don't forget we belong here.  Forgive me for quoting "The Desiderata" .. "You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars." 

Indulge me.  Read the entire poem.

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, 
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, 
be on good terms with all persons. 
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; 
and listen to others, 
even to the dull and the ignorant; 
they too have their story. 
Avoid loud and aggressive persons; 
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, 
you may become vain or bitter, 
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. 
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. 
Keep interested in your own career, however humble; 
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, 
for the world is full of trickery. 
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; 
many persons strive for high ideals, 
and everywhere life is full of heroism. 
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. 
Neither be cynical about love, 
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, 
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, 
gracefully surrendering the things of youth. 
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. 
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. 
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, 
be gentle with yourself. 
You are a child of the universe 
no less than the trees and the stars; 
you have a right to be here. 
And whether or not it is clear to you, 
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, 
whatever you conceive Him to be. 
And whatever your labors and aspirations, 
in the noisy confusion of life, 
keep peace in your soul. 

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, 
it is still a beautiful world. 
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Thanks for reading, but, I need to sleep now, and, it has been wonderful spending this time with y'all.

Auntie Em.

Why do I want to sleep at 7pm when I have to go back to work; and then can't sleep at 2am? The dinner nap is too seductive... I look at the (very brief) time I have, (trying to make a healthy dinner, sleep and get up again).  The end of work, end of day sleep is difficult.  The mind needs to unwind and to clear.  With brain work this extended, one needs to "chill."  

So, I do.  I listen to music, I even dance sometimes.  I practice on my yoyo.  I'm not very good, but I like it.   (And it is quiet.. unlike my neighbor who has to practice guitar late at night.  And, believe me, he needs the practice.) 

I got a comment from my niece.  She called me Aunt M.  How far away is that from Auntie Em?

"Auntie Em, Auntie Em!"  This was the very first time I thought about that.  Oh, gosh... now they will all call me Auntie Em.  Kinda funny, kinda cool and okay too.

I do get disallusioned some times.  I do have my joy slammed back into my face.  It is just a part of this very complicated thing we call life.  I don't just run around and say "Golly, I'm happy all day."  I'm not.  I get angry.  (you don't want to see that)   I get sad.  I don't have blinders on.  I know life is hard.  My life is hard.  (Now I am speaking just for me)  I work hard, and that makes things easier.  (For Me.  Your experiences may vary!?)

I write this blog to appease those incessant voices in my head trying to make me call someone at 2 in the morning.  In part, I write this blog so I don't impose on the very dear people I call friends.  These are all truly random, and private (now public) thoughts.  To those of you I am no longer calling...I love that you've tolerated my late night calls.  To those of you I don't know.. Well, what the hay.

Auntie Em.

Small Tasks

I crack myself up.  So does my beautiful husband.  We not only make each other laugh, we make ourselves laugh... alone. How weird is that?  I think it is because we are comfortable with each other, but also comfortable alone.  We are apart too much, and yet, from afar share a sense of humor about the planet, and the people... it may all be too private.  But we laugh.  

And, in the end, isn't that really the point?  Let's have a good time!  There is no reason why we shouldn't enjoy the life we lead.  (No, don't tell me about your diseases and misfortunes.  You have no knowledge of our travails.  And, I don't care.  I don't know you.)

I'd love to give you a recipe for happiness.  Gosh, I wish I could.  Well, an attempt.  With each new day you face a challenge.  It may be as small as getting out of bed, making breakfast and taking a shower.  Celebrate that achievement.  For some of us that is no small thing.  Celebrate getting the breakfast dishes done.  Take each moment and realize how alive you are.  It is what we (the happy people) do.  Little challenges, little tasks.  It is all good.

My love to my people.

My love to the world.

xoxo  

I've Never Been to Kentucky

It is late and I should go to bed, but something compels me to sit up, contemplating the day I suppose.  My neighbor is playing music loud enough for me to hear through the walls.  I would complain, but I like him and he is an actor.  (Not my actor, but still.)  I don't think I can hear it in my "bedroom"  so it is really okay.  Can't imagine living in NYC again.  All that noise!  

I love the state of California.  It is mostly quiet, but can be bustling.  California is a state of being, of living and experimenting, of art and science, of conservatives and extraordinarily bright liberals.  I love the conversation, and even the disagreement.  The dialogue is important, or seems so.  I love feeling free to engage, or not.  To finally sit back and just listen sometimes. To reflect and to "be" quiet.  It is soul-settling.  I'd like to go back to Yosemite, in early winter, before the crowds come to ski.  Yosemite is heartbreakingly beautiful that time of year, and oh... so quiet and empty.  My husband and I alone sharing the space with the wild redwood forests.  There is no better place on this planet.  It is humbling.

On the other hand, if you've never been to the Grand Canyon, you MUST go!  The Grand Canyon will literally take your breath away.  I don't use this word often because it is so over-used, but the Grand Canyon is awesome.  Truly.  Best advice I can give:  See it for yourself.  I just didn't care I was sharing it with crowds of people.  Each one of those people was having the same reaction to the place that I did.  Imagine you were one of the first people to set eyes on it.  My gosh.  Stunning.

Two very different kinds of places, but both of nature and of our world.  We do have other diversions.  We have those that we create for ourselves, our cities, our architecture, our museums, our theatre, our restaurants, our amusement parks.  (What a peculiar penchant we have for Disneyland-ish places.)  Generally, I prefer the forest, or the beach.  The mountains and the sea.  California is the place for me.  LOL.

An Old Poem (I wrote in high school):

I'm going to paint the grass blue.

Because I want to.

I can't think of a better reason, can you?

You know, I'm not very lucky.

I've never been to Kentucky.

 

Extremely Random Thoughts.

Finally, a day off.  I am going to make a stew.  I need to eat something besides Marie Callendar's and take-out.  A stew will last all week.  Maybe a bit boring, but far tastier and less salty than the crap I've been eating.  I need a wife.  Oh, maybe I mean, I need a life!  What I really need is someone to do the dishes.  Do you remember that Neil Young song "A Man Needs a Maid."  Yeah, that's me.  When I am home my husband takes care of me.  Now I am alone and the kitchen needs a good sweep.  I have to wash my jeans.  REALLY.  ...These are my issues.  I know I am lucky.  I know it.  I need to take a VERY long walk and clear my head.  I will.  I love to walk.  I am trying to find a way to the beach.  "They" say it is impossible, but I will try. Going on 4 years now.  I will find a way to the beach eventually.  I live in hope.  I just have to get a little younger.  Yeah, I can do that!  What was I thinking about?  Whoa, long week.  More tired than I thought.  Got lost in a haze and spaced.  I love this haze of good work and community fatigue.  I say this again and again, but it is too true.  What a weird and wonderful job I have. What strange and interesting people I call friends.  Do you ever notice how, when you can't spell something you just frigging change the word?  Yeah, stream of thought.  I took a class called "Birth of a Poet" at the very hippy school, University of California at Santa Cruz. The professor(? ) had us lie on the floor in the dark  (k, there were mats) and when someone felt the "urge" they would stand up and say a poem or a thought.  A little too touchy-feely for me.  Even then.  (I was 20)

We also had to keep a dream journal.  (K, now y'all want to take this class!)  My dream, that entire quarter was: trying to put a piece of tape on a rotating pipe.  I was never able to do it...in the dream.  Do we think maybe this means I was frustrated?  I reported this in my "dream" journal. There are no grades at UCSC, so, like, whatever!  Apparently that was fine.  I passed. Again "whatever!"  I remember thinking..."like I care.."  (I was pre-med at the time)

I went back to UCLA after a quarter at UCSC.  I was done with the "hippie" thing.  Time now to learn and to think.  It is such a label after all,  Don't like it.  Don't want it.  I am actually too young to have been a "hippie"  I did aspire to it, loved the politics of it, but I was 12 then.  Yeah, wasn't quite ready to leave my family and go join a commune.  I am liberal, but I am also a capitalist.  It is a dichotomy. And it is okay.  I am sure I will talk about this later.  Does anyone remember Janus?