Dad-O

I have a pimple on my lip that is caused by my headset. My left ear feels funny when I take my headset off. My tech table was too close to my seat during the first act tonight, so I had to perch, with the butt-board angled. I accidentally turned off the electrician and missed a cue. (The director said later, "did we miss a cue there?") I was dead asleep at 6:55pm, but still got to work by 7:15pm, and was calling a show 55 minutes later. Wow.

And yet... the director was so happy with the performance that he gave the actors notes after the photo call and gave us the afternoon off. Wow. Unheard of! Especially in Rep! Whatever will I do with myself? Oh, I know! The Dishes! Maybe I'll wash the sheets and the towels. Maybe I'll cook something to last me the last 2 days of the week. Wow.

My little world.

A friend of mine posted this on facebook:

Passing this on: " If anyone is on Twitter, set your location to Tehran and your time zone to GMT +3.30. Security forces are hunting for bloggers using location/timezone searches. The more people at this location, the more of a logjam it creates for forces trying to shut Iranians' access to the internet down. Cut & paste & pass it on."

Makes me want to get on Twitter.

I am worried about Iran. I don't really know what else to say about that. We will see how the events unfold. I think we may be about to witness something profound and historic.

I look at my hands and they look like my mother's. I look at the wrinkles forming around my mouth and they are my mother's wrinkles. There is something about that that is actually comforting. I look in the mirror and I see Her. I am finding I don't mind it as much as I thought I would. I wear some of her clothes from time to time. I am always complimented on her choice. As I get older, I miss her again. I miss her more and more. Mom.

I miss my Dad-O too. I should just shut up and call him. Don't know why I call him Dad-O. Didn't really realize I had been calling him that since childhood, until he started signing notes to me "Dad-O" I asked him, "why Dad-O?" he said...."that is what you call me." So I have been responding to him with a weird spelling of my nickname, that he, in fact coined. It works for us. "Maire." Better I guess than "Mare." It is more elegant on the page.

The Journey

Some things go very very well. Some things, not so much. Sometimes one's personal life doesn't exactly take a back seat to career, but is given less time in the day. This is highly unfortunate. And the least desirable.

My personal relationships are very important to me. My husband gets the very few extra minutes I have each day, and my other relationships seem to dissolve. I try to answer the odd email, but in my business, friends and family understand and don't write or call... They don't want to bother me. Hey! It is not a bother! I love the odd message now and again, especially if one doesn't mind getting no response for a week... or two.

You may say, "How hard is it to pick up the phone?"

Well. A recap of my day... This is today, mind you, and not the longest day I've had.

3am - Went to Bed...finally. Tough day. (Would have loved to call you, but, it is SO late.)

9:30am - Woke up, had to go back to sleep. Dreamed the President of Iran was assassinated. Weird.

10:00am - Woke up for good. Checked e-mail. Did a little online work, ate breakfast while I did the work. (If I'd called you now, I would have never eaten breakfast.)

10:15am - Called my husband.

10:30am - Jumped in the shower

11:00am - Went to work.... what happened there is another post.. or just check the rehearsal schedule.

5:00pm - Came back to the apartment, ate dinner, tried to take a nap. Unsuccessful. (Guess I could of tried to call then, but I was exhausted and in no shape to "chat".)

6:30pm - Went back to work (..busy)

8:00pm - Called a Show

10:40pm - Ended the Show.

10:43pm - Tech Notes in the House

11:00pm - Notes with the Director and Lighting Designer

12:30am - Drove the Director to his car

1:00am - Arrived back at the apartment. (Too late to call you, though I wanted to talk then!)

This was a gloriously short day, for this point in the process. The journey, we sometimes call it. Yeah, that works. The journey.

I am on a journey... and it takes the time it takes. I will be back. But when I have returned, I may, in fact, not need this blog until the next journey begins.

Look What The Demon Brought

Climate Change. Whoa. Maybe the planet has simply been doing what George Carlin said she's been doing all along. The Earth just wanted some plastic. So, she let us evolve and we made plastic. She is now The Earth plus Plastic. She doesn't need us anymore.

There is a part of me that really likes this reasoning. It is, in a way comforting. "No doubt, the universe is unfolding as it should..." It just may not be unfolding to your liking. Yes, Virginia, life is not fair.

We were trying to remember the seven deadly sins the other day. We finally gave up and looked it up on Google. Everyone of us in this coffee klatch missed "lust." What does that say about us?

Surprisingly, the virtues came a little easier. Women's names: Faith, Hope, Charity, Chastity and Prudence. I think those are the names of the witches on Charmed. (Yes, I like a little trashy television more often than I like to admit. It is so mindless and therefore restful. Cash Cab is good too.)

I wanted to talk about Iran. This revolution/uprising is very interesting, scary and may ultimately change the playing field out there in the wide world. The United States has never understood the Arab world, and needs to make an effort. These are not uneducated primitive people. They are of "The Cradle of Civilization." They live in the modern world. This country seems to think Arabs all live in tents in some peripatetic life... nomads, riding camels. Well, that is just plain prejudice. It is clear to me that the education in Iran has been phenomenal. TWO of my doctors went to Tehran University for their MD. One of them is chief of staff at a major hospital in The Valley. These are people much like us, just oppressed like many of us have felt, either historically or personally. Every Iranian I've met in the U.S. has said to me, "freedom of speech... it is everything." Well, the oppressed populace of Iran seems to be demanding that right, right now. It is a glorious and frightening thing to witness. I wish them luck and determination and fortitude facing the days to come. These "crowds" are collectively risking their own lives to make their world a better place. Such courage. Whatever the outcome, this display of anger and action is just oh, so good. (I fear for them, each and every one. I remember Tiananmen Square. I shudder.)

World events can be inspiring. The news may not be good, but it can allow us to take a new look at what we are doing and how we are living, and maybe, let us appreciate our isolated world a little bit better.

I had a very successful day today in Illiria. I will go to bed worried about my planet, and my species, but happy with our momentary accomplishments.

It is all I can do tonight. We'll see about mañana.

The Leap

There is something so satisfying about a task done well.  When all the elements under one's purview come together and the last piece of the puzzle is added and somehow, it all works.  The standing ovation doesn't hurt either.

We come together, with passion for the art.  We pour our hearts into the same vessel, and sometimes, sometimes the result is glorious.  And in that moment of creation, of near completion, nothing else matters.  We live for the art.  We live for the recognition of the art. We live for the appreciation, but we do it for ourselves.  Sometimes, we just do it for ourselves. 

It doesn't matter what the project is.  The process and the doing is all.  This is true each time we come together and bleed a little.  (Sometimes more than we thought we could afford, but almost always worth the journey.)

I don't need a reward for taking this leap with all these people, these artists, but it is oh so nice to get that first standing ovation.

Slippage!

I was walking through The Park next to a very steep ravine today when I came across 4 peewee children with the older brother clearly in charge. (He looked about 8.) One of his (sisters?) said, "Oh, I want to slide down there!  I have to!" He said "NO" just like an adult, and added, "You don't know about slippage." Okay, I was impressed. It did look like fun to slide down the ravine. It was certainly dangerous. But, I don't know if I would have phrased it quite so succinctly. The sister took him at his word and the little group skipped on about their day. This was a moment so charming and smart that it gave me pause. I had to tell the first person I saw. (Luckily it was someone I knew.) We shared a laugh and an appreciation born from people without children, for children. A little joyous moment.

I have another friend and colleague who, when asked why a piece of moving scenery wasn't working said..."It's the geometry of the weather." Okay, we were annoyed at the time, because it was oh so helpful! My assistant and I still tease him, we but the phrase has become part of our lexicon. It makes us laugh every time. (His other phrase is "civil twilight."  We don't know what that means, but, when he wanted to take it off his paperwork  because we joked about it, we make him keep it. He swears it is a real thing. I believe him, we just think it is funny.)

I got mildly frustrated today and heard myself say "Jeez-oh-man!" This immediately made me laugh as it is something my husband used to say years ago. And that reminds me that my mother would never say "bullshit" (until later in life), she always said "broomsticks!"  As in:

"No, mom, I don't have any dishes under my bed."  "Broomsticks!  You do too! Please, take them to the kitchen."  (Her favorite word was "cellar door", uh, Mom?  That's two words... )

I have a button that says "Eat, Drink, and be Fat and Drunk." My friend Tom would appreciate that one.

A few years ago, I asked my students "What is the response to "Whasup?" Apparently the response is "Whasup?" Okay... simple enough.  Still makes me laugh.

Language has power. It has power to move us, to change us, and sometimes it has the power to make us laugh (and to bring us a little joy.)   

And... Isn't it ultimately all about perception?

I have to say, I got a little angry today.  Don't think I really want to talk about the specifics of it.  

Some anger is born out of frustration, and it is the frustration that needs to be controlled. The best example I can think of  is "road-rage." Truly born out of the frustration that we can't get through traffic because that other driver is So Dumb!  He almost hit me!  One doesn't always have to stop first to make a right turn!  She cut me off!  And on and on that story goes.  I don't have a problem with "road-rage."  I zen the road.  Oh, I may witness extraordinarily stupid driving, but I slow down or speed up or swerve, consider myself lucky and go about my business.  Some people get angry waiting in line.  (Doesn't grandma know you can use a check card instead of a check?  He has 13 items!  I'm late and she is counting out pennies!)  Yeah. Doesn't really bother me.  (I do worry about the woman counting out pennies.  I think, "what if that is all she has?")  

I am angry at the stupidity and waste in government.  I am angry that so many people don't share the same basic human rights I (seem to) have.  I am angry about agism. I am angry about all the "-isms."   Life isn't fair.  We have to battle these things.  We have to be constantly conscientious. But, all that is born out of true surprise and outrage.  I should be angry about these things. These are big things that require action. They are intolerable and unacceptable... But not necessarily born out of frustration.  They are more about right and wrong.

Perhaps what I am talking about is ego.  Perhaps some anger is born out of embarrassment. Especially embarrassment not of one's own making, yet landing squarely in one's lap.  The responsible thing is to move forward with the task at hand.  Yes, that is what I do.  (Well, sometimes I get a bit loud.)  But the frustration gnaws and can turn into a fury that one may not have about politics, or...  Perhaps (politics) are less personal.  It is the personal affront; the personal in the moment dissing.  Or the perception of dissing.  Hmm.  Perception.  Maybe that is what this is about.  The perception of Disrespect.  

I may perceive some slight as intentional, when it is not.  I may perceive some action or mistake as lack of attention or poor work habits, I may perceive a comment to be too personal. Leads to that same frustration I was talking about earlier.  And so leads to anger.  My perception may not be reality.  And yet...  If things in life are not how we perceive them to be, then what are they?

Just trying to get my head around this and away from my anger.  I realize, in a calmer state of mind, that what sometimes makes me angry is just a collection of missteps and miscommunication.  Solvable problems.  For tomorrow.  So, (she says to herself) be calm. 

I've learned to walk away with the anger and come back tomorrow.  Solve the problem when the ego and frustration and anger have had time to dissipate.  To approach the cause of the initial frustration (anger) calmly, with some distance and dispassion. 

And that is what I will do.

      

Subjective Time

Here I am.  I was wondering.  

Long frigging day.  The days are getting longer now.  It is a problem for outdoor lighting designers.  They need our compassion.

I look back at all the work I've done and I look ahead to all the work I've yet to do, and realize, there is nothing for it but to live in the moment.  I don't mean that I ignore the past.  I look back and remember what I've learned and apply it to the here and now. Obversely, I don't mean that I don't anticipate the problems of tomorrow, I do.  I simply deal with the moment at hand. It needs my attention right now.  Funny that.

I've been thinking about the friends I've misplaced, or who have misplaced me.  I wonder about them.  Are they okay?  What is going on in their lives?  Have they found a way to reach their dreams?  I got a quick note from one of them on facebook.  It was so nice to hear a kind word, and so lovely to know he'd been thinking of me.  We can get lost, if we really want to.  Even in this very "connected" world.  We can resign our facebook, myspace accounts.  We can close down our blogs.  We can stop carrying our phones with us every single place we go.  Some think that will enable us to be better connected.  More.. personalized.  I don't know about that.  I love the people who have found me on facebook.  Long lost loves.  Long lost friends. Our collective lives have become so busy, nature of the beast, I suppose, and these tools enable me to easily contact the someone who randomly appeared in a dream last night.  I think... no, I believe it is good.  Time will tell us all.

Wednesday.  Wow.  Time is speeding up.  I have often thought that we should have clocks that tell subjective time.  You remember how long those final 5 minutes of school lasted.. an eternity.  Some days each minute feels like an hour. There are those days when one looks at one's watch every minute.  And yet, some days fly.  Subjective time.  (I've discovered that sometimes it is just because my watch has stopped.)

And yet...