Paying Attention

Tomorrow (today, after I sleep) I will want to walk.  The activity is really about pleasure, and has become a kind of hobby.  I stroll.  I think deep thoughts.  I look and I see.  I pick a direction and walk half the time I want to spend walking and then, turn around and try to find a new way home.  I have learned much about several cities this way.  Three in particular.  I prefer to walk alone. When I pass by an interesting shop window, I can stop, or go in.  I can decide I need some french fries or a haircut without discussion.  Mmmm, french fries.  I would like some right now, please.

I don't like public transportation.  I have and will use it, but I got stuck once on the subway in NY.  I was with my best friend and we were on our way to watch "court in session" downtown. The train stopped between stations.  Over the loud speaker we heard "Conductor!  conductor!

...AHHH!"  Shortly thereafter the train lurched, went dark for a few minutes, then, the lights came on and we got on to the next station.  My best friend and I leapt off the train and headed above ground.  We didn't look back.  We never found out what happened.  We decided then and there we had enough money to take taxis.   (Later we got kicked out of court for laughing... which we thought was HI-larious ... another story.)  I have ridden the subway since, but cautiously.  In NY in particular, I'd rather walk!  I was there recently for a couple of weeks off and on.  I took the subway once when it was raining (I'm from California .. we don't understand rain) and once when I was running late.  It took the same amount of time that it would have had I walked.

Years ago, I lived on the East Side of town.  (Not the Upper East Side, more like the Mid East Side near 1st and 42nd Street. Tudor City if you know New York.)  It took me 30 minutes to get to Broadway (where I was working at the time.)  It took me 30 minutes whether I walked, took a bus, took a taxi or hopped on the Grand Central shuttle to Time's Square.  It just didn't matter.  Oh, once it did take me nearly an hour.  It was the day after the ice storm.  The trees were encased in glass! Astounding.  I had to stop and stare.  I'd never seen that before, wow.

Once around Christmas I was walking past the UN Building on 1st... literally across the street from my apt. building.  I couldn't help but notice box after box, constructions really, of homeless people creating shelter.  My heart broke.  I remember investigating soup kitchens, but decided I needed to do something more...I don't know, human.  I got some amount of money in one dollar bills (don't remember how much) and stuck a dollar in every box, every sleeping bag, every construct.  Some of the homeless just looked at me, surprised.  Some smiled, some said, "God bless you."  Some looked a little confused and bleary-eyed.  Some were asleep.  There were so many!  This was Christmas 1993.  Gosh, I hope it is better now.  There is where I'd like to see some of my tax dollars spent.  Helping those poor people get on their feet. 

There is a phrase, "There, but for the grace of God, go I."  I believe that we make choices in our lives that put us where we are.  If one is relatively healthy, one needs to take responsibility for those choices.  My compassion is fairly vast, but it does have limits.  I know we sent a lot of mentally ill or extremely handicapped people to the streets with budget cuts.  I know we sent veterans to the street too.  My tax dollars!  Spend them there!  However, I am not naive.  I know there are people out there taking advantage of the system.  I see them all the time.  But, the truly needy people suffer because of these indigents!  We have a huge problem in this country.  We classify people too much.  We assign labels and treat each individual as if he/she was part of some conspiracy to steal our money.  The truth is some people NEED help.  They are people.  I don't think dogs should die in the street, but, these PEOPLE shouldn't die in the street like dogs.  

Oh, the places my mind is visiting tonight.  I moved back to California.  At least my homeless people aren't freezing 4 months each year.  

I am going to listen to a little music and go to bed.  The Lakers won!  Federer did it this morning!   Marcia won her Tony!   I'm trying to pay attention.

  

There is another world out there.

Another successful day behind me.  My director is happy, my designers are happy, my wardrobe supervisor is resigned but looked like she was smiling, um, earlier. My cast is tired but willing, and my fantastic crew seems to be okay with it all.  I don't have to go to bed worrying about tomorrow.  I have the best staff I've ever had.  They are not only creative thoughtful self-motivated individuals, they are cheery and bring a kind of joy with them to work. This is a hard process and I am so grateful to them.  My First Assistant and I are still waiting for the other shoe to drop.  (She has become very superstitious.)

After a day of noise it is very pleasant to come to my apartment (not my home) and be quiet. Charlie keeps wanting me to have a drink with him.  He told me he is always up this late, but no.

I'm not ready yet.  I need the solitude and the thoughts.  We'll do the bistro later.  There is plenty of time.  This is my rhythm.  I am in the "I have to protect myself" mode.  

Can't believe it is Sunday.  Can't believe another week went by.  I need to slow down and savor every moment.  This experience doesn't in fact last forever.  And, weird as I am, I LOVE this part of my job.  I am in tech, and it is my moment to shine.  I will revel for 2 minutes.

Okay.  Done with that.  Now, what is happening out there in the "real" world?

What is the value of a lizard's life...

I broke a nail today, saving a lizard.  The cost of compassion.  He was struggling in a fountain, no way to get up the slippery sides.  My colleagues ran for a leaf or some thing to extend to him, and I said, "oh, please..." and knelt down and scooped him up.  I put him on a rock in the sun.  Hope he is okay, but frankly, I stopped worrying about him the moment he was out of the water.

We go forward.  When I use "we" I am referring to my colleagues, my friends really, who are part of the creation of Legitimate Theatre.  (The title is not my pretention, it is what it is, so-named internally.  Every discipline has a language all its own.)  The dictionary says pretention is not a word.  Hmm.  I don't agree.  And if I am wrong, I think it should be a word!  (Hey, Shakespeare made up words.  No, he did.  We use some of them today.  The weird spelling of "rhyme.")

Off topic again.  Ah, well...What was the topic?

You may not know this, but "we" call all people who are not involved in theatre "civilians." Think we stole that from .. somewhere. Ya think?

So, the lizard.  It was a common garden lizard.  They are all over the place.  Some of them are not very bright, even by lizard standards.  Yet, they have great value, and we do share the planet with them.  Well, then, if a lizard is worth a broken fingernail, what then is the value of a cat?  (I've seen them kill and eat lizards, and I would risk much more for a cat.)  Then, what is the value of what I believe to be another sentient species, the dolphin?  Well... more than a random cat.  Okay... not your cat.  I would risk a lot for a pet, a companion.  I did say random cat.  And besides, cats can take care of themselves.  If you don't believe it read Kipling's "The Cat That Walked By Himself."  (or to move to another species... "Jonathan Livingston Seagull".)

Okay.  You got me.  I love animals.  But, I have to say, given the choice between my pet and a random child, I will chose the child every time.  I will choose the adult every time.  I say I am a humanist, but what I really am is a specie-est.  I think it may be in the DNA.  There is a point.

People are important to us because we are people.  We want homo-sapiens to survive.  Our DNA demands it.  (Even though we make lousy decisions sometimes..)  People talk about getting back to nature.  We are nature.  There is nothing else for it.  We are part of this world, created out of this world, protectors and desecrators..  again the dichotomy ... fouling our own home ... but it is us.  So we need to wake up.  And.. protect ourselves.  And move forward.

The "world" would be perfectly happy without us.  I am sure the dolphins would agree. (Oh, some of the dolphins would miss us from time to time..)

So, it behooves us (my students love that word, they always think it is so funny) to... oh!  You know.   Conserve, be smart.  JFK started a program years ago.  "Keep America Beautiful".  I say let's keep the world beautiful.  It is our birthright.  Don't forget we belong here.  Forgive me for quoting "The Desiderata" .. "You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars." 

Indulge me.  Read the entire poem.

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, 
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, 
be on good terms with all persons. 
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; 
and listen to others, 
even to the dull and the ignorant; 
they too have their story. 
Avoid loud and aggressive persons; 
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, 
you may become vain or bitter, 
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. 
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. 
Keep interested in your own career, however humble; 
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, 
for the world is full of trickery. 
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; 
many persons strive for high ideals, 
and everywhere life is full of heroism. 
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. 
Neither be cynical about love, 
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, 
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, 
gracefully surrendering the things of youth. 
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. 
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. 
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, 
be gentle with yourself. 
You are a child of the universe 
no less than the trees and the stars; 
you have a right to be here. 
And whether or not it is clear to you, 
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, 
whatever you conceive Him to be. 
And whatever your labors and aspirations, 
in the noisy confusion of life, 
keep peace in your soul. 

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, 
it is still a beautiful world. 
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Thanks for reading, but, I need to sleep now, and, it has been wonderful spending this time with y'all.

Auntie Em.

Why do I want to sleep at 7pm when I have to go back to work; and then can't sleep at 2am? The dinner nap is too seductive... I look at the (very brief) time I have, (trying to make a healthy dinner, sleep and get up again).  The end of work, end of day sleep is difficult.  The mind needs to unwind and to clear.  With brain work this extended, one needs to "chill."  

So, I do.  I listen to music, I even dance sometimes.  I practice on my yoyo.  I'm not very good, but I like it.   (And it is quiet.. unlike my neighbor who has to practice guitar late at night.  And, believe me, he needs the practice.) 

I got a comment from my niece.  She called me Aunt M.  How far away is that from Auntie Em?

"Auntie Em, Auntie Em!"  This was the very first time I thought about that.  Oh, gosh... now they will all call me Auntie Em.  Kinda funny, kinda cool and okay too.

I do get disallusioned some times.  I do have my joy slammed back into my face.  It is just a part of this very complicated thing we call life.  I don't just run around and say "Golly, I'm happy all day."  I'm not.  I get angry.  (you don't want to see that)   I get sad.  I don't have blinders on.  I know life is hard.  My life is hard.  (Now I am speaking just for me)  I work hard, and that makes things easier.  (For Me.  Your experiences may vary!?)

I write this blog to appease those incessant voices in my head trying to make me call someone at 2 in the morning.  In part, I write this blog so I don't impose on the very dear people I call friends.  These are all truly random, and private (now public) thoughts.  To those of you I am no longer calling...I love that you've tolerated my late night calls.  To those of you I don't know.. Well, what the hay.

Auntie Em.

Small Tasks

I crack myself up.  So does my beautiful husband.  We not only make each other laugh, we make ourselves laugh... alone. How weird is that?  I think it is because we are comfortable with each other, but also comfortable alone.  We are apart too much, and yet, from afar share a sense of humor about the planet, and the people... it may all be too private.  But we laugh.  

And, in the end, isn't that really the point?  Let's have a good time!  There is no reason why we shouldn't enjoy the life we lead.  (No, don't tell me about your diseases and misfortunes.  You have no knowledge of our travails.  And, I don't care.  I don't know you.)

I'd love to give you a recipe for happiness.  Gosh, I wish I could.  Well, an attempt.  With each new day you face a challenge.  It may be as small as getting out of bed, making breakfast and taking a shower.  Celebrate that achievement.  For some of us that is no small thing.  Celebrate getting the breakfast dishes done.  Take each moment and realize how alive you are.  It is what we (the happy people) do.  Little challenges, little tasks.  It is all good.

My love to my people.

My love to the world.

xoxo  

I've Never Been to Kentucky

It is late and I should go to bed, but something compels me to sit up, contemplating the day I suppose.  My neighbor is playing music loud enough for me to hear through the walls.  I would complain, but I like him and he is an actor.  (Not my actor, but still.)  I don't think I can hear it in my "bedroom"  so it is really okay.  Can't imagine living in NYC again.  All that noise!  

I love the state of California.  It is mostly quiet, but can be bustling.  California is a state of being, of living and experimenting, of art and science, of conservatives and extraordinarily bright liberals.  I love the conversation, and even the disagreement.  The dialogue is important, or seems so.  I love feeling free to engage, or not.  To finally sit back and just listen sometimes. To reflect and to "be" quiet.  It is soul-settling.  I'd like to go back to Yosemite, in early winter, before the crowds come to ski.  Yosemite is heartbreakingly beautiful that time of year, and oh... so quiet and empty.  My husband and I alone sharing the space with the wild redwood forests.  There is no better place on this planet.  It is humbling.

On the other hand, if you've never been to the Grand Canyon, you MUST go!  The Grand Canyon will literally take your breath away.  I don't use this word often because it is so over-used, but the Grand Canyon is awesome.  Truly.  Best advice I can give:  See it for yourself.  I just didn't care I was sharing it with crowds of people.  Each one of those people was having the same reaction to the place that I did.  Imagine you were one of the first people to set eyes on it.  My gosh.  Stunning.

Two very different kinds of places, but both of nature and of our world.  We do have other diversions.  We have those that we create for ourselves, our cities, our architecture, our museums, our theatre, our restaurants, our amusement parks.  (What a peculiar penchant we have for Disneyland-ish places.)  Generally, I prefer the forest, or the beach.  The mountains and the sea.  California is the place for me.  LOL.

An Old Poem (I wrote in high school):

I'm going to paint the grass blue.

Because I want to.

I can't think of a better reason, can you?

You know, I'm not very lucky.

I've never been to Kentucky.

 

Extremely Random Thoughts.

Finally, a day off.  I am going to make a stew.  I need to eat something besides Marie Callendar's and take-out.  A stew will last all week.  Maybe a bit boring, but far tastier and less salty than the crap I've been eating.  I need a wife.  Oh, maybe I mean, I need a life!  What I really need is someone to do the dishes.  Do you remember that Neil Young song "A Man Needs a Maid."  Yeah, that's me.  When I am home my husband takes care of me.  Now I am alone and the kitchen needs a good sweep.  I have to wash my jeans.  REALLY.  ...These are my issues.  I know I am lucky.  I know it.  I need to take a VERY long walk and clear my head.  I will.  I love to walk.  I am trying to find a way to the beach.  "They" say it is impossible, but I will try. Going on 4 years now.  I will find a way to the beach eventually.  I live in hope.  I just have to get a little younger.  Yeah, I can do that!  What was I thinking about?  Whoa, long week.  More tired than I thought.  Got lost in a haze and spaced.  I love this haze of good work and community fatigue.  I say this again and again, but it is too true.  What a weird and wonderful job I have. What strange and interesting people I call friends.  Do you ever notice how, when you can't spell something you just frigging change the word?  Yeah, stream of thought.  I took a class called "Birth of a Poet" at the very hippy school, University of California at Santa Cruz. The professor(? ) had us lie on the floor in the dark  (k, there were mats) and when someone felt the "urge" they would stand up and say a poem or a thought.  A little too touchy-feely for me.  Even then.  (I was 20)

We also had to keep a dream journal.  (K, now y'all want to take this class!)  My dream, that entire quarter was: trying to put a piece of tape on a rotating pipe.  I was never able to do it...in the dream.  Do we think maybe this means I was frustrated?  I reported this in my "dream" journal. There are no grades at UCSC, so, like, whatever!  Apparently that was fine.  I passed. Again "whatever!"  I remember thinking..."like I care.."  (I was pre-med at the time)

I went back to UCLA after a quarter at UCSC.  I was done with the "hippie" thing.  Time now to learn and to think.  It is such a label after all,  Don't like it.  Don't want it.  I am actually too young to have been a "hippie"  I did aspire to it, loved the politics of it, but I was 12 then.  Yeah, wasn't quite ready to leave my family and go join a commune.  I am liberal, but I am also a capitalist.  It is a dichotomy. And it is okay.  I am sure I will talk about this later.  Does anyone remember Janus?