Have Yourself A Merry...

My sister used to sing,
"Christmas is coming.
The goose is getting fat.
Please put a penny in the old man's hat.
If you haven't got a penny, a ha'penny will do.
If you haven't got a ha'penny, then God bless you."

When we were quite young this song made us laugh and laugh. We finally figured out that a ha'penny is half a penny. That in and of itself was pretty funny. We imagined someone cutting a penny in half!
Why would a goose be getting fat? Oh... some people must eat goose! "Ew" we thought. And how could you eat a goose you knew? The "old man" conjured up pictures of someone like Aqua-lung. ("Snot running down his nose...") We would never give that guy a penny! We'd run away! All in all the song made little sense to us, but it was fun to sing!

I find myself singing the song lately. I ponder, "Christmas is coming. It is illegal in California to fatten a goose on purpose. No more fois gras here. Am I to assume all old men need a penny? Most old men I know are doing quite well in their retirement. I certainly don't have a ha'penny. Well, maybe I do. I'll have to look through my old coins from my trip to Europe when I was 15. Don't know why God would care whether I had a ha'penny or not though..." Silliness! The workings of my brain.

As Christmas approaches I find myself thinking about choices I've made in the past year and choices I've made in my life that have brought me to this point. It is easy to sink into a profound depression regretting decisions made by one's younger self. Did I turn my back on opportunities that could have led me down a different path? I'm sure I did. I'm sure I could have made more money, been more famous... whatever. But then, I have to stop and really look at where I am. It is true that times have been difficult, not only for us, but all over. My under-employment has as much to do with the economic realities of the times as it does with the choices I've made.

And what about those choices? I decided to stay in California, in part, to be close to my mother who was very ill the last ten years of her life. Now I try to stay and work in California because my dad is older and I want to spend as much time with him as I can before I lose him too. California is an easier place for my husband to manage. He can't travel much anymore. Frankly, I prefer the weather here. I like owning and driving my own car. I like how big the outdoors are and I love my plenty big house.

So... attitude adjustment. I found a poinsettia for $2.99 at Trader Joe's. It is beautiful. I've decorated my house with all the ornaments and lights I've had for years. Long ago we bought an artificial tree and it suits me just fine. I'm not allergic to it. The house looks good. I'm baking my grandmother's cookies that only I know how to make and making that the gift I give my family. I am again cooking for most of my family for Christmas brunch, up at my dad's house. This fills my dad with joy! And it is fairly easy.
I have the most wonderful loving husband who takes care of me better than I could have ever hoped when I was that young girl laughing over the lyrics to an English Christmas song. The view out my back window right now of the local mountains swathed in clouds, the rainy day, my husband plucking on the guitar, the glass of cheap chablis I'm drinking all delight the hell out of me. I am lucky and, son-of-a-bitch, I am happy.

I know what a difficult time this can be for some people. My heart goes out. One has to find one's own way out of that miasma of despondency and melancholia that cripples some and brings others so much grief. I have found my way back up and out again. It is the little things we can sometime look to. Family, friends and home. Thank goodness.

I celebrate Christmas, so Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays to everyone who doesn't celebrate Christmas. Happy end of another (insert your own adjective) year. Next stop, 2013. Bring it on!

xo