In the moment.

It is not supposed to work this way.

We learn and play. We go to school. We study... hard. We go out into that big wide dangerous world and we work. We work... hard. We give everything we have and we persevere. We take the set-backs and learn from them. We try to use the criticism and discard the useless information. We grow. We develop strong reputations. We succeed. We get to a level where we think we are safe.

We are never safe. Safe is an illusion. The president can't protect me. The congress won't protect me. I can no longer protect myself, and find myself, along with my neighbors, terrified of the future. (Yet, with left-over hope, we all still decorate for the holidays...)

This is not like me. I live and give, play and work, all in the moment. Each moment is important. The next moment has the potential to be equally important. I find out when I get there. This has worked for me.

But now. Now, I am actually making a concerted effort looking forward. One has to. Will we have insurance next year? Will I make even less money than I do now? Have I finally gotten too old to be relevant? (The news is not good.)

I know I'm not irrelevant. I know I have much to contribute. I know I can still lead. Is there still an organization that will appreciate that? Where is that? Should we move to France?

Always before, I've had the luxury of something coming over the next hill. Some project I would focus on, later... when the moment came. I am living my moments and nothing seems to be out there. Nothing over the next hill. Heck, the hill isn't even there. (Reference to an older blog..."Lost Hills.")

This particular blog is not necessarily about work, though I do find it interesting that so much of my self-worth and ego is caught up in and through my work.

I've never had any patience.

I have to learn to be patient.

I know how lucky I am to have the love and support of my family and friends. They can't really help. This isn't about that. They are all struggling in their own ways too. I can't really help them. You, dear reader, may be in far worse straights than I. I can only speak to my own disenchantment, and my own fears.

This is hard.

I have to make my own opportunities. I have to open my own doors. I have to move into the future without trepidation.

Dear friends. "They never said life would be easy." I am here to tell you, life is not easy. It takes enormous courage every moment. Especially when one lives "in the moment."