55, wow.

Halloween night. Some years we have 40 or more kids appearing at our door in costume. (I hand out full sized Butterfingers every year.) This year, fewer of my neighbors are participating and we live on a dead-end street. Usually a good thing, but at Halloween, without the neighbors' lights to draw the kids down the street, most don't make the dark journey. We've seen but a handful. Alas. I so enjoy giving out candy to random costumed children.

My neighborhood likes to dress up for Halloween.

I enjoy wandering past all the houses decked out to receive the kids, or to host a party. It feels like a bit of a throw-back to the early 60's when hundreds of us took to the streets and came home with piles of candy, the occasional toy and (from the local dentist) a brand new toothbrush. I like the tradition. I like to share in it.

I love how inventive my neighbors are.

Here is a particularly scary invention:

What is it about clowns? Really?

I am 55 today. Wow. 25 short years ago, I was only 30. 25 years before that I was ...5 years old. Life is indeed short and goes by so quickly. I like 55. It looks good from here. I don't feel old, by any means, though I think it is funny that I am now considered a "senior." I had lovely calls from my entire family and my closest friends. Most of the nieces and nephews "texted" me. I think that is a riot. I enjoyed the day. I walked (what a surprise.) I shopped and made stew. (It is the perfect Halloween meal and was glorious!) I ordered and bought myself a cake. I am very particular and wanted the cake to be "just right." We will eat it later with some mint chocolate chip ice cream.

I am still waiting for more children. I see them up the block but they just don't turn right, wander down the street and come to me.

My students will get the benefit of so much left over Halloween candy, along with a very critical evaluation of their midterms and the resultant grades.

We ever move forward. I like the journey. I'm interested and happy and intrigued with what comes next. What happens tomorrow? Hmm, what happens later tonight?

Loving the mystery, looking for the joy, and finding my life occasionally magical.

(Two more tiny children showed up from next door. Yes!)

A Cautionary Tale.

I nearly killed us recently. I've been too embarrassed to tell anyone or talk about it with anyone except my husband, who was there. My guilt prevented me from talking about this, but the hard lesson learned is worth sharing.

I got ready for bed one night around midnight, after drinking and smoking cigarettes. I emptied the ashtrays in the garbage can, per usual, put the glass in the kitchen and went to bed. Fell dead asleep. (That is a euphemism, but more apt than I'd like.)

At 3am I woke up hearing a sharp piercing sound coming from the hallway. We'd just replaced the batteries in the smoke detector in my room and I thought, in my haze of sleep, that, oh, gosh, we should have replaced all the detectors' batteries. No! Seconds later, the smoke detector in my room went off. Okay! I finally got up. The house was full of smoke. Hard to see. I didn't turn on any lights, I didn't need to and I was still worried about waking up my husband. I got to the kitchen and saw flames coming up from our garbage can left of underneath the sink. I saw flames. I then called for my husband, but he didn't hear me. I grabbed a bowl and filled it with water 2 or 3 times and doused the flames in the garbage can. The fire was out. The smoke was worse than before. The garbage can was melted beyond use.

The garbage can had melted. The entire house smelled of smoke. The entire house was filled with smoke.

I opened the front door, and woke my dear (confused) husband. As I opened windows and doors the alarms went silent. He and I then went through the house checking everything, and realized, much to my chagrin, that I had thrown out a cigarette still smoking. He admitted to putting newspapers in the trash... a confluence of circumstance. (We always put newspapers in the "blue bin.") But, clearly, my fault. My Fault!

We were okay. It took us until today to get the smoke smell out of the house. We've washed the floors, sanitized the room and today, washed the curtains. There is a point.

Without the smoke detectors both of us would have slept through the incident. Both of us could have died. (He and I have not talked about that. We have talked about losing the house... hmm.)

I never put much stock in smoke detectors before. Clearly, I've just been stupid. I have to say, the complete complement of detectors saved our lives.

Take note.

A cautionary tale.

I walk and I think.

Well. We have a new device that allows us to watch Netflix on our TV with no additional charge from Netflix. This is positively brilliant! We are currently watching (at our leisure) all the Sherlock Holmes Mysteries produced by the BBC with Jeremy Brett. Truly delicious. Direct to the television, very little tech involved, no extra cost to us and positively fabulous. Love technology! Makes each evening very special.

I walk and think. I have pictures again, but maybe I said it all in the last blog. The most moving picture I've taken lately is the very skinny and gray deer we found feeding on someone's property. I took the two pictures and then saw two more deer doing the same thing. The deer are hungry and dispossessed. One more was up on the local hillside. The hills have burned and they have to dare to come down, just to eat. My heart hurts for them.

I walk and I think. I consider people I consider friends. I look at them from all sides. I ponder and wonder who is the real friend and then I find myself calling my husband, just because I miss him. I am on a two hour walk and I miss him. How do I do six months away? An enigma.

I walk and I think. I worry about the people I don't call. I worry about the ones who don't call me. Some I've lost, and some I'll have forever. Like the prodigal son, there are those I'll take back with no questions asked, and then there are some who've stayed around who will have to answer for their sins. Some I love unconditionally. Some I will never lose. Some I will lose and wonder why. But, I will revel in the love I've found, and not ponder too much the love I've lost. Wondering only, if those lost individuals knew I would take them back into my fold with so much as a "how are you?"

My heart is too much on the table and I have to go to bed.

I've said this before and there I am.

Dear Reader,

You know I go on long walks in whatever neighborhood I find myself. Currently, I am walking around my own. (Meaning, I live here. This is MY neighborhood!) I have some wonderful pictures, but my computer is now saying they are all corrupt. My computer has become a critic, I think.

Doesn't matter. We say a picture is worth a thousand words, but perhaps a few words are worth a picture. I'll figure out the picture problem another time, but it does change the theme of my blog.

I wanted to write about the various signs and looks of the neighborhood... the views and vistas, the garden decorations, but maybe my computer is really saying... "Gosh! That is boring!"

What I will then tell you is my neighborhood decorates for EVERY holiday. No, they really do! They of course decorate for Christmas. Some of them leave the Christmas decorations up all year long. Drives me crazy. (I came upon a house today that has hung Halloween pumpkins on the Christmas lights that have been up since last November... geez) (There is a house where the reindeer is sideways on the roof. hmm.) Okay. My neighbors (the ones that actually take down Christmas) decorate for , hmm, let's just go thru the year... Christmas comes down and if they are ambitious, New Years goes up. The next day (I swear) Valentine decorations appear. Then Saint Patrick Day Shamrocks are everywhere. Some neighbors then put up "spring" signs with cute little bears hugging flowers. Easter decorations! Another house I saw the other day had Christmas decorations and Easter decorations all at the same time, all collecting dust. (Remember, this is October!) We head towards Veteran's Day and flags are everywhere. And my neighbors can just leave them up for the 4th of July. August comes and everyone's lawn just dies and nobody decorates. But, then.. September comes and the flags come out again. Bet you didn't know it was National Chicken Month! Oh, gosh, then Halloween. Big time decorations. Whole yards dedicated to scaring the local children. (Yeah, sorry, I do participate in that.) Halloween is over, then turkeys show up in the local yards. Unbelievable and charming in its own way. Gosh almighty... finally, my neighbors don't have to spend any time putting up Christmas. They just finally get to turn on the lights.

Crazy. And, somehow endearing.

I heard from someone from my summer of theatre today. I missed her. I miss them all. But not yet enough to go back. I am enjoying this moment in time. I feel like I should write it like this: {time} Time spent somewhere else.

And there I am.

The pumpkin.

I Will Wear My Tiara.

Pumpkins... and October! My father used to call me "pumpkin." Only because I was born on Halloween. So "pumpkin" worked. (Yes, I've looked like a pumpkin once or twice in my life... I'm struggling to never fit that profile again.)

I went to the farmer's market in Mission Hills in "The Valley" today, just to buy corn. Fresh picked. I ended up buying tomatoes and nectarines right off the tree. Too good. We had a GREAT dinner tonight, all fresh and all tasty and clean. I love clean food. I'm sure I will write a blog about that at some other time.

I've been watching Albert Brooks films recently. Oh, my gosh! So funny and moving. We saw "Defending Your Life" last night, and watched "Mother" tonight. I've pulled "Lost in America" for tomorrow. (I own them all.) What a brilliant humorist. What a brilliant writer. Too entertaining, and heart moving. Where is he now?

Good heavens, it is hot tonight.

I recently listened to the "greatest hits" of Steppenwolf. They had 2 or 3 great songs. The rest is CRAP. What a realization!

I know I don't talk much about what is happening in the world. I am aware, I just choose not to dwell. I feel like local news has become a police blog, and the world news ignores the very real issues we all face every day. I think congress has lost complete touch with the people who elected them, and I am not holding out any hope for real change. (I suspect congress will just make things worse, despite our constant protests and letters.)

I like October. I foresee the Santa Ana Winds. (I hate the winds, but, I understand them!) I look forward to the night the children knock on my door looking for candy. (I always buy full sized Butter Fingers. We are very popular on our block and I get to see all the costumes!)

My birthday is Halloween. Yes, every year. My favorite dinner is my beef stew. (I will cook it myself, thank-you.) My favorite activity is putting out pumpkins and handing out candy. I will wear my tiara.

.

The Luckiest Person On The Planet.

So much. This week has been full of so much. We bought the car for my niece. With the help of a fairly patient salesman who looked out for the car we really wanted we bought her a 2008 Kia Spectra with just 30,000 miles on it, in black as she wanted. I have to say, it is a beautiful car, still under warranty and safer than anything I drove as a teenager. Success! My beautiful niece in turn learned a lot about buying a car, safety in the car, dealing with salesmen, and negotiation. All in all, a good experience. (I am closer to her than ever and that makes my heart sing flowers.)

My brother dropped by last night because he'd been missing my husband. My husband is not always able to come to family gatherings, and my brother needed to see him. Love that. Love that the love sometimes just takes over and an individual recognizes a private visit has to take place. It is all about keeping the love and the friendship in place. It doesn't matter that one is sick. One still has to visit .. one.

Aside from the fact that I have completely bonded with my niece, my sister and I have spent some great time together, negotiating the car, putting the funds together, having lunch, buying her boyfriend a birthday gift, getting a gift for the poor ignored 13 year old... marvelous and engaging and exhausting. I love it. I love them. Another dimension where I'm able to participate. No theatre at all.

Do I miss theatre? Yeah. But not yet. I've yet to spend time with my husband. My side of the family needs me too. He and I will find time, it just hasn't happened yet. People ask me why I'm not looking for work... I have work. I have a quality of life to maintain. I have people I love who need me, and now, back in LA, I need to answer those needs. It is satisfying. It is the work I've left undone for 6 months. I'm back.

I want to sit in the backyard. I want to find a way to pay for a landscaper. I want to spend time with my husband and my friends. I want to see the redwoods again and the wild world that is right here in California. Ah, my dreams.

I've had a great 4 year run at the Old Globe in San Diego. I have promised them one more year. But, things have changed. I will wait and see. I will wait and see. In the meantime, I've my 84 year old father to look after, I've my husband, I've my sisters and my brother and my many nieces and nephews who need attention too. I've my friends.. (Nansi? Fred? Jimmie? Paul? Charlie? Michael? Darko? George?) My life is full.

I don't have much money, but I may be the luckiest person on the planet.

And Yet...

Late night and trying to keep the cigarette smoke from invading the bedroom where my husband is sleeping. I've spent a bit of wonderful time with my niece and her mother (and occasionally my nephew) trying to buy a car for my dear 17 year old niece. Mom and I want safe. She wants tinted windows, a spoiler and a black car that will fit her surfboard. Money is of course an issue. How does one know how to trust a car salesman? We research, they respond. We complain and demand and they promise the moon. We wait in anticipation and the 17 year old wants that car! No, honey, let's see what tomorrow turns up. (I promised her a car by Christmas. We will probably get the car next week.)

Moments in life. How wonderful to share in it. My dear niece has learned more in these two days about navigating life than school ever taught her. So cool and so good. I tell my own students I can't teach them how to do the job, I can only give them the tools. One has to go out and live it! And learn it by doing.

Do I miss stage managing? Well. I needed a break, but I always miss calling a show. (LOL it is my calling.)

No, clearly I've needed the rest. I've been sleeping 10 hours a night. I am always tired in October.

And October! What a great month. The world is liquid and colorful and the sun has such a different attitude. It is sly and soothing and absent and present. Fall in Los Angeles is very distinctive if one has lived here for any length of time. (I still walk in flip-flops, but I wear long pants.)

The house is silent. I have to teach tomorrow. I revel in the solitude and yet...

And Then.. I Dream.

Ok. I am ready to talk again. I was alternately watching NOVA and Madmen. NOVA was by far the better program. I've hesitated to say this because I have a very close colleague who writes for Madmen. I don't know anyone at PBS. I am trying to like my friend's work. Yet, I am engrossed by the info about black holes.

I find something new at Nova. Well, not new, but more detailed than what I'd heard. I like the detail. I like the science. I don't care about the 1950's anymore. Homophobic, misogynistic and something I've lived through and don't care to revisit.

I've been traveling. I've been searching. It is all internal. I am home and too tired to completely unpack, I just want to be here for a bit. I just want to do nothing.

Impossible. We all have to get up each day eventually. We all have to face the day. We have to eat. We have to relate. We can't just stay in bed and, what.. dream?

No. I have been walking.

As many people before me have discovered, the closer one gets to the mountain, the more the mountain becomes invisible.

The valley below grows. The mountain disappears. (but the valley is BIGGER!) The what we've left behind increases each season. The looking back can become too distracting. Looking ahead, we are climbing the mountain we can no longer see and all that is visible is the endless sky and (perhaps) the Mohave. The future.

I live here.

These are purely physical observations. Take from it what you will.

Ultimately, we reach the mountain top. It is unbelievably breathtaking. And.. We descend.

When I turned 40, my mother said, "Welcome to the other side of the mountain." The climb was hard, the descending has been good.

I still think about the black hole at the center of the universe. I still wonder at the nature of the universe. I have questions and answers, should anyone care to ask. I still love my work and my students, after all this time. But I do wonder. I wonder.

And then, I dream.

I'll be back.

My dear readers... I again will be with you soon. I have pictures and stories, but I am so tired from the summer and I am so enjoying spending time with my husband that I can barely check email. Facebook has become cursory. I have class tomorrow. After that? Well, I should go see Dad-O, and my niece, then, maybe I'll get back to you all. Soon.

xo.

Dear Diary.

Gosh, sometimes it takes so long to get here. The internet can be amazing and frustrating. Have you noticed? And why are we in such a hurry?

I currently have a job that involves me going to work once a week but takes a couple of hours of prep pre job. I don't want to do it. I want to do nothing. I want and need to rest. I love teaching when I am there, but I don't like the time it takes to correct papers and drive. I am tired. I have recently turned down 3 requests to stage manage the same! show (they keep changing producers) that is right up my alley. I need to rest. I need to cook for my husband. I need to fix my yard.

I volunteered many months ago to help my 17 year old niece find a car. Oh, gosh. Now I need to do this. I want her to have all the protections a dealership offers, but we don't have (maybe) quite enough money saved. Her mom just lost her nursing job. Okay! How bad is the economy when a nurse can't find a job?

My dear husband continues his fight against his disease. Maybe this is all too personal, but as my husband pointed out, this has become my diary.

Goodnight, Dear Diary.

Home.

As I took my first walk back home, I came to a realize Sunland has but two seasons. Hot and Cold. Right now we are in the "Hot" season. We will have few days of "Mild" before "Cold" season starts. When we are in "Hot" season we try to remember to appreciate the "Cold" season and vice-versa. I don't mean we get fevers in the summer or colds in the winter. I mean the temperature right now is hovering around 90. Sometime in January it will get down to the high 20s. Really. (And, Southern Californians that we are, we get cold if the temp drops below about 62 degrees.)

I walked past a house with the oddest collection of flowers. The colors were bright and varied. There was something about it that was just "off." On closer inspection, I noticed yellow tulips five feet high and out of season flowers blooming in the heat. The owners of this particular home had "planted" silk flowers. The tulips had been tied to a taller vine. The bush closest to me was already turning a little gray from the sun. Weird and a bit remarkable.

I saw one of my neighbors waving frantically in greeting as he drove past.

I was saddened by the ashen mountains overlooking my wandering.

I came up the driveway and was greeted by my loving husband.

So good to be home. (Now, if I can just get unpacked!)