Is Trader Joe's Hiring?

So much makes me angry and yet I try to ignore and forget those unpleasant things. I prefer to think about the impossible as I try to sleep each night. I think about the doorways and passages to hidden worlds. I prefer to dream about the power of heroes and the way home.

I took a class once, at the hippy UCSC campus, University of California at Santa Cruz called "Birth of A Poet". We kept dream journals. I spent a quarter "finding" myself. (My other classes were in pre-med.)  I went back to UCLA. Nothing found, but I did grow. I learned theatre was my calling.

I'm so angry and yet I try to channel my energy into living a good life. This is new. I've spent so much time trying to make money or get enough work-weeks to earn health insurance. Now, all I really want to do is to make a good stress-less life for me and my husband. (Hard to do without "work-weeks".)

I compromise. In my head. I compromise.

I may be done with the theatre world. It has changed so much and the choice I made, so long ago, to stick with regional theatre is compromised. It is not the world I joined with such enthusiasm. It is no longer a world dedicated to the community it serves, but a vehicle for Broadway. (Commercial theater and often without merit beyond entertainment.)

Not me. Not what I wanted to do.

I'm going to go to the smaller venues that answer the local needs. I will make less money, but I will serve my community. I will look to the larger shows that hire me and say "yes." I need the money. Someday... someday I hope to write my own ticket again, but I am now too old in this business.

I don't feel it. I have more stamina than all my 30 something colleagues. I'm better at calling shows than most anyone except Jimmie. I do know how to handle actors except the ones that won't be handled. And for them, the stage managers across the country need the directors to help. (And they don't.)

So.. Does my life in the theatre end because I chose to work regionally? In a way it does. I can't seem to connect with a company.. I'm not very good out here as free-lance. I want a home. Without a home I need to rethink my career.

I wonder if Trader Joe's is hiring.

Thinking Of Dying My Hair.

I'm getting my upper eyelids lifted.  It is not conceit or a desire to look younger, but an immediate need. I can't see very well.

I went to the eye doctor this week complaining how poor my vision was at night. I couldn't really "see" the t.v., even with my glasses. My eyes felt tired.

She said to me... "relax your eyebrows... relax." She then pulled and analyzed and called out incomprehensible numbers to the nurse and handed me a mirror, again saying, "relax your eyebrows."  Oh, my gosh. Half my lids were covering half my eyes! Apparently, during the day I open up my eyebrows and widen my eyes just so I can see past the overhanging lids. I showed my husband and my manicurist and my dad. All said, "Wow! Your Doctor is right! I never noticed!" Yeah, me neither.

I've been deceiving myself... god knows I don't look in the mirror without raising my eyebrows first, and I've been deceiving my friends. Apparently I hold my eyes wide open and my eyebrows up ALL DAY LONG!  No wonder I'm tired at night and can't see!

Sometimes a simple complaint can lead to a revelation.

I need the surgery to see better. Hmm.. cool. I'll also look younger!

I'm thinking of dying my hair.

We Thank The Cook.

It is time to look to the future. It is time to stop all gun-related rhetoric. I read an article in the L.A. Times today criticizing Palin. I quote, "In saying her critics "manufactured a blood libel" Sarah Palin deployed a phrase linked to..." You know the rest.  (The emphasis is mine.)  While I am NOT defending Sarah Palin, I do have to say that I was taken aback by the word "deployed." When trying to articulate the inordinate incivility this country is enduring right now, to use a word like "deployed" feels ill-advised. One deploys troops, not words. Words are spoken or written or used. Sarah Palin used a phrase or said a phrase... She DID NOT DEPLOY a phrase. This is exactly the kind of war wordage and violent rhetoric most of us want to see taken out of our national dialogue. (I could have said "slashed out of our national dialogue" but, again, English offers us far more less inciting words that communicate equally well. I could have used "exorcized" or "edited", "removed" or...)

Our language is rich, truly. We have many choices, so many creative metaphors. Perhaps, as a people we need to find language that is just as strong, but with fewer references to utter destruction.

We are all Americans and we are all people of the Earth. We need to learn to disagree and still love. Surely you have someone in your family who does not agree with you politically. Do you want to kill that person? Of course not! Republican parents have long loved their liberal offspring and Democrats love their right-leaning young. We are children of each other. We grew up together... so... why don't we actually grow up. We can disagree, vehemently. We all do, nearly every Thanksgiving. But we still hug and kiss and thank the cook at the end of the evening.

We argue, sometimes loudly, we sit down to eat, we pray and we hug. We thank the cook.

I deployed no words in this blog. And yet, I was still able to speak my mind.

In America. An Anthem.

Words and Music by Phil Hilow.

I'm A Taxpayer And I Still Don't Have A Job.

I was angry earlier tonight. I wanted to write an open letter to Obama and to the Republicans in the House. I lost it. I don't mean I got angrier, I mean... I lost it. I forgot what made me angry. (There were too many choices..)

Some one thing or the other is always making me mad with the government. It may have been the news that now Blue Cross is raising their rates and my rates are higher still. It may have been about Boehner crying.. I'm done with his crying, he is a VERY rich man. I can't find a job. It may have been about the Republicans swearing to read the entire Constitution, to which they are so 'devoted' and in the reading omitted all the controversial passages. Maybe I was angry that two elected congressmen decided to forgo the swearing in and were not legal to vote.. Constitutionally wise. (Um, their platform...)

I don't remember now. The day was all so silly and laughable, and yet... not. These are the people who will decide our fate. I'm furious.

When did we dumb down? I remember my 6th grade teacher telling me we could read and understand the newspapers because they wrote at a 6th grade level to reach everyone. Is that still true?

What happened to the Fourth Estate? I'm VERY disappointed. You all talk about banks and stocks and things I know nothing of. The intricacies of Washington are of NO interest. I need to pay my winter heating bill. I need some income. We are small. We want work. We want healthcare. Everything else is superfluous. Speak up and help us.

I need more than a part-time job. I need to pay for my family's health insurance. I am HAPPY to pay the property tax and other tax that supports my fire dept. and police dept. I support highway improvements. I know the car companies can be more brilliant (I have faith) and I am done with our dependence on oil. Medicine is a whole other bag of beans. Why is every new prescription cost prohibitive? I live this. I know.

My dear husband has been on a VERY expensive therapy for MS. The insurance company pays for all but the co-pay doctor visit. The therapy is not working. We are about to try an oral medicine. The co-pay is nearly $400 per month. Yeah, we have that disposable income. It is sitting, um, right over there, under the couch. The drug company contacted me and said if I could prove we were too poor, they would pay the entire amount. K. Gonna do that. Gonna tell a drug company we are poor. Really. Guess we are.

The point is he needs to try every new therapy. The other point is ...  the cost is beyond the pale. His last therapy was an infusion, extremely expensive to the insurance company and free to us, and his new therapy is a pill... oh..$400 dollars co-pay to us a month. So, the drug company will look at my tax returns and decide if we can have the drug for free...I will take advantage.

But. It feels like a scam.  I've been through this before with MS drugs. The companies give it to us for a reduced cost and then.. when you really think it is working, they change the rules. I'm a sceptic. I hate this.

I'm reduced to negotiating the health of my husband.

I'm blind-sided and we pay.

National Healthcare was a solution. Congress and the President have failed us. This new Congress is going to fuck us even more.

AND I still don't have a job, Mr. Boehner.

mkk. 1/7/11

It Felt Like Morning All Day.

I went on a New Year's Day walk. How beautiful the sky appeared after all the rain we've had! My neighbors and animal friends greeted me throughout the walk.  I set out on my walk about 1:30 in the afternoon. The first couple I ran into said, "Good Morning." You know I said, "Good Morning" back.

I passed by some of my favorite dogs. Just up the street, my neighbor, Richard, used to have a ferocious golden retriever.. believe it or not.. that never ceased barking at me. Even Richard was amazed. That dog has since died and has been replaced with a Rottweiler.  I walk past the house and of course, the dog barks.. but I say, "Good girl. What a good girl doing your job! Oh, what a good dog." The dog stops barking and wiggles her tail and her whole rear end and has since become my friend.

I wander on and come across one of my favorite dogs. He is a white puff behind a very dense fence. He is a teeny tiny dog. He sees me and barks and then spins around and then barks again and then spins around and then barks... until I am out of sight.  Weird little dog.

I visit my two boxers who've never barked at me.. they come to their fence to say hello. When the kids from the local high school walk by they can not be quieted. But they never bark at me.

I walked by a home with a new puppy. Sweet. He'd not quite figured out he should be protecting the house and instead just looked sorrowful. He never barked. I wanted to hug him.

I saw a man pushing a baby carriage and walking a very small dog. He was pushing the carriage in the street but insisted the dog stay on the sidewalk. The dog was very joyful, having the time of his life. The man made sure the dog's leash didn't get tangled and wished me a good morning. (It was 2pm.)

I made my way back toward my home, getting on to 3 in the afternoon. I ran into an elderly couple walking. The husband said, "Good Morning!" Then, embarrassed he said, "I guess I should say, Good Afternoon." I said, "It is okay. It feels like morning!" He agreed.

It felt like morning all day.

New Year's Day.

Good Morning!