Christmas 2009.

I had a wonderful Christmas. I am hoping you all did too.

I spent Christmas Eve with my husband, we had ham and sweet potatoes, asparagus and brussel sprouts, cornbread and a lovely Cabernet. We opened presents and the shirt I bought him fit! I love success!

Today, I cooked brunch for my larger family, eggs and sausages, blueberry bread and cranberry bread, fruit salad and Cool Whip. Perfect. We've done this every year since the nieces and nephews came along. It is part of my gift to them. We sit around after and open Christmas presents. This year was particularly special as my 3 sisters and I were able to get together to shop earlier in the week. We can't manage this but once every 5 years or so. Oh, two or three of us will find the time, but to have all 4 at once is such a treat. We fly and drive to meet somewhere in between all of us, greet each other briefly, all have to go pee, one has to have a smoke, and then... well, we need to get lunch. It takes us a good 90 minutes until we actually start shopping. We then divide and conquer! We review each others' lists and head off in different directions as the need strikes us. We used to spend a lot of time looking for each other and get very frustrated, but cell phones have changed all that. I would be standing in line and my sister would call, "Where are you?" "I am in the men's dept." "Well, the line in cosmetics is really small and they will ring you up here!" Off we go, taking some other friendly shoppers along with us. Efficient and fun. "Oh, I love this store, you'll find a present for you father-in-law here!" ("Look, will your son like that!?") "Wait, you love this store, tell me what you want, I haven't bought your present yet! Just point..." Too much fun!

So, Christmas day becomes... "Oh, look! What a surprise! Just what I needed!" Makes me smile even now. I love them. I just wish my brother could be part of this silliness and communion.

My Dad. 84 and still hosting holidays. Well, he has the biggest house. (And the biggest heart.) I bring everything from my house I need to cook. My sisters help set the table and finally the nieces are jumping in too. We'll get the boys next year. (My brother-in-law is a wondrous help.) We use the space to get together, but do all the work so Dad can just relax, and host (he loves that) so he can offer drinks or pour coffee. It is kinda perfect. Mom would have loved this and loved how he continues her traditions. (All three of my sisters told me how much they missed Mom this year. She has been dead 5 1/2 years. Seems like yesterday.)

I come home to my husband. The Lakers lost. Boston now has the best record. It doesn't matter, it is just a ping-pong match between them at this point. My husband was cheery and delighted to have left-overs. We watched a Christmas movie and then watched the new Star Trek movie. (A gift to each other.) This was heaven. A great two days.

I send you all great hope for our future. I send you all my best wishes. I send you love.

xoxo

mkk.

Taking Control.

The bright beautiful morning and early afternoon bring renewed hope and determination. The strength I find in myself and my husband make the future look like yet another exciting adventure.

It is okay not to know what is to come. It is okay to revel in the moment and each other. I will celebrate the holidays and know that 2010 will bring the good and the bad, but always something new and ultimately positive.

Finally, we take control of our own destinies. We offer joy and in turn we make our own joy. It is never in the wallowing. It is all in the doing. Through sheer force of will we look to the new days with optimism and wonder.

In the moment.

It is not supposed to work this way.

We learn and play. We go to school. We study... hard. We go out into that big wide dangerous world and we work. We work... hard. We give everything we have and we persevere. We take the set-backs and learn from them. We try to use the criticism and discard the useless information. We grow. We develop strong reputations. We succeed. We get to a level where we think we are safe.

We are never safe. Safe is an illusion. The president can't protect me. The congress won't protect me. I can no longer protect myself, and find myself, along with my neighbors, terrified of the future. (Yet, with left-over hope, we all still decorate for the holidays...)

This is not like me. I live and give, play and work, all in the moment. Each moment is important. The next moment has the potential to be equally important. I find out when I get there. This has worked for me.

But now. Now, I am actually making a concerted effort looking forward. One has to. Will we have insurance next year? Will I make even less money than I do now? Have I finally gotten too old to be relevant? (The news is not good.)

I know I'm not irrelevant. I know I have much to contribute. I know I can still lead. Is there still an organization that will appreciate that? Where is that? Should we move to France?

Always before, I've had the luxury of something coming over the next hill. Some project I would focus on, later... when the moment came. I am living my moments and nothing seems to be out there. Nothing over the next hill. Heck, the hill isn't even there. (Reference to an older blog..."Lost Hills.")

This particular blog is not necessarily about work, though I do find it interesting that so much of my self-worth and ego is caught up in and through my work.

I've never had any patience.

I have to learn to be patient.

I know how lucky I am to have the love and support of my family and friends. They can't really help. This isn't about that. They are all struggling in their own ways too. I can't really help them. You, dear reader, may be in far worse straights than I. I can only speak to my own disenchantment, and my own fears.

This is hard.

I have to make my own opportunities. I have to open my own doors. I have to move into the future without trepidation.

Dear friends. "They never said life would be easy." I am here to tell you, life is not easy. It takes enormous courage every moment. Especially when one lives "in the moment."

If Wishes Were Horses.

I put two fairies on my Christmas Tree. I like them better than the angels I put close to the top. The fairies are pretty and sassy and not at all angelic. I like the whimsey. Yes, my tree is up. It takes several days. I am allergic to trees so several years ago my dear husband bought me an artificial tree a couple of days after Christmas. (It was on sale $50. Very cheap, we've had it for 10 years or more.) It looks very real. Well, the tree sits there for 2 or 3 days until I get the "feeling" to put the lights up. So, I spend several hours lighting the tree and am exhausted. (600 lights.) I put Santa on top. (My mom would have called him "Santy", but really it is St. Nick.) Then, I wait a day or two and consider the decorations. Ultimately, the Tenenbaum is ready for viewing...the decorations from my mother, my nieces, gifts to my husband, things I liked and bought, and a little (now) broken angel that was always on my Mother's tree.)

Well, the tree looks great. A few days ago, feeling pressure from my neighbors, I put out the outside lights. (The pressure was brought only because they had already completed their decorations the week before.) I want to contribute to the general holiday spirit. I've written about my neighborhood. They (we) decorate for EVERYTHING!

It is all good. This activity forces one to participate. It is less about joining than participating. I like it. Our houses all look GOOD, if tacky. The children are delighted.

I want to make the children happy. I am taking my recalcitrant nephew to lunch and maybe a movie next week. I am calling another nephew just to see if he is okay. Somehow truth comes out in the "holidays". It does. And I am not just the innocent bystander. I never wanted children. But, there they are. And I need to find some way to help take care of them.

Oh, this went a completely different way. I was talking about fairies on the Christmas Tree. Hmmm. One Christmas I want to put up decorations of only things with wings... fairies, angels, birds, airplanes...

If wishes were horses then beggars would ride.

"Don't Panic."

I may suffer from logorrhea, but I will endeavor to be ever perspicacious.

It is interesting, to say the least, how many emotions one can have in a two week period. I travel from fury and frustration to the land of the bereft and back to the realm of acceptance. I see that I can move forward and yet I am frozen in place. I am ever confident and I've lost hope. Oh, wait, there it is again. Today is a new day. Nope, it is just like yesterday, again. I appreciate that a part of me is grieving, then I remember the worst day of my life was when my mother died. No loss of job or position can compare. I survived my mother's death. (I had dinner with Dad, just tonight...) I can survive this very minor, albeit surprising, shift.

I had a dear friend remind me today:

1. My reputation and my body of work speaks for me.

2. I am embarking on yet another new and exciting adventure. I just don't yet know what that will be.

3. I have more to learn.

4. I have nothing to fear.

"Don't Panic"

The New Year will offer new challenges for us all.

I am here... (and you are there and we are all together...)

Still Smiling.

I made myself smile.

As you know, I walk and walk alone. Yesterday, after saying hello to yet one more of my neighbors, I remarked to myself, "How lovely! Everyone in my neighborhood greets me, smiles, says hi, asks how I am or we talk briefly about the weather." I don't actually know these people, but we always exchange pleasantries.

Friendly human contact. A brief acknowledgment of the other's place on the planet.

Then, out of nowhere, I thought, "thank goodness we don't have to sniff butts!"

I smiled all the way home.

Thanksgiving 2009

My family rocks. My sisters, my brother, my dad and my beautiful nieces and nephews. I didn't cook for them, I didn't come over early. I arrived late, stayed an hour and a half, didn't eat, and still had a fantastic full time.

I came home and cooked for my husband, who has been unable to attend Thanksgiving for several years. I've been sick at heart not spending the day with him, so this year... something different.

He and I ate a little later than usual, but we were together, spent the time together, ate too much together, loved the food together. (I even made a Lebanese dish just for him... Success!)

I am thankful. Tomorrow looks brighter.